In which S is just WEIRD.

I recently came home from being gone for a little while to notice that my Social Security card had moved from my nightstand to my desk.

M: Why did my Social Security card move?
S: It's pretty. I carried it around for a few days because I liked it.
M: It's blue. Just blue.
S: I know, but it's a really pretty blue!
M: ...Holy crap.

In which S is confused about Kurt Cobain

Recently, S and I went to the library to return a couple books. One of these was a book called "Heavier than Heaven" which has a photo of Cobain on the front of it.

S: He's going to be in a movie soon.
M: What??
S: Yeah. I saw a poster for it.
M: Umm, no, he's been dead for, like, 13 years. They are making a movie about him.
S: No, who is this? He's going to be in it.
M: THAT IS KURT COBAIN. I CAN PRETTY MUCH PROMISE HE ISN'T GOING TO BE IN IT.
S: Oh. I still think you are wrong.

In which S tells a story

S and I went to Wendy's today.

S: This one time, when I was in high school, I got a Frosty Float.
M: Oh?
S: ...
M: ...And?
S: No, that was it.

In which S is CLUELESS.

S: You work at the Internet, right?
M: ...What??
S: The Internet? You work at the Internet?
M: What? You mean...?
S: A network equals the Internet? You have a network at work, so you work for the Internet.
M: Umm, the Internet isn't a company, you can't really, technically work AT the Internet...

In which S is confused about how garbage works.

I was making some mashed potatoes and noticed a pile of TV dinner boxes and things under our sink.

M: Why is there a pile of garbage right next to the empty garbage can?
S: Because if I put that stuff in the garbage can, it fills up too fast.
M: ...That’s what garbage cans do. That’s when you empty them.
S: But it’s a lot more work.
M: It is somehow less work to throw it all on the floor and then have to pick it all up later and move it into the garbage can?
S: …Yes.

In which S plays a new game

S and I went to T's house to play Guitar Hero II last night.

S: Are there any country songs we can do?
M: No...they are all metal-type songs.
S: But they use these things in country songs too!
M: What things?
S: These...things. This thing I'm holding.
M: A GUITAR???

In which S fails to look at the mirror for the first time in her life

I wrote my work schedule on the mirror in our room so S would stop asking me when I worked. And yet, we have this exact conversation every single day at around 3 pm:

S: Are you working today?
M: Yes. See? On the mirror? It's Thursday.
S: Oh. What time are you working?
M: Do you see what it says right below "Th?"
S: ...No.

In which S has the memory of a goldfish

S got a job and wears professional dress to work.

S: How old do I look? How old do I look?
M: Um...nineteen?
S: I can't remember how old I am!
M: What?
S: I just feel like I'm 24!
M: ...Toootally understandable, sure.

In which S does not know anything about alcohol.

S: I have another job interview!
M: Oh cool, good job!
S: Yeah. I’m excited because I don’t want that other job I interviewed for.
M: Oh yeah? Why not?
S: Yeah. Because my dad told me I would have to make coffee. I don’t know how to make coffee.
M: Well, I’m not sure it’s that hard…
S: Yeah, but they’d probably make me put beer in it or something.
M: …That is so gross. And probably wrong.

In which S gives bad advice.

S: What are you doing?
M: Writing an email to T.
S: Oh! How fun!
M: Yeah, I guess, I’m having trouble figuring out how to end it without sounding like a psycho.
S: Oh! End it with one of those squiggly lines and then your name!
M: Yeah, umm, that’s not really what I—
S: Oooh, no, do stars on either side of your name!
M: That is a fantastic idea. Thank you.

In which these girls are delusional.

S has a friend over. Friend, B, is engaged.

B: He is so whipped! He’s never apologized to anyone before, but I made him apologize to my mom and he did it!
S: Ha ha! You are such a lucky girl.
B: I know, he’s such a great guy.

In which S asks to be the third wheel.

S: Let’s do stuff tonight!
M: I can’t, I’m going over to T’s tonight.
S: What are you guys doing??
M: He’s making me dinner and then we’re playing monopoly and watching The Grudge and The Grudge 2.
S: Can I come?
M: Ha ha, I’m sure he’d love that.
S: …I’m serious.
M: What? Really? No.
S: But I’m lonely and bored!
M: S, it’s a date, otherwise I’d say yes.
S: You can have a date with three people.
M: I’m not really sure you can, actually…

In which I am more generous than I thought.

S: M, I need to talk to you about something.
M: Okay, shoot.
S: Have you been drinking my Cactus Coolers?
M: Yeah, I had one today and one a couple days ago.
S: …Those are mine.
M: What? No, I bought them for you that one time you didn’t have your money.
S: But they were mine. They were a gift.
M: You said you were going to pay me back. You never did. In fact I think you owe me about nine dollars now.
S: No, it was all gifts.
M: …Oh my gosh.

In which I kid and it is not understood.

S: Now I guess I should write my thank you note. What did you say?
M: Umm…I have never written one for an interview.
S: How did you ever manage to get a job??
M: …Nepotism and a very short skirt.
S: (nods sagely.) What does nepotism mean? Is that like prostitution?
M: No. No it is not. Not even close. Oh my gosh.

In which we address drinking in the office.

S came home from her job interview today.

S: So, they drink on occasion there.
M: Oh yeah?
S: Yeah. I’m not sure I can take that.
M: Well, lots of companies have parties and things on special occasions. I doubt they are going to force you to drink, you are only nineteen after all.
S: But they could! Like a dress code or something.
M: Yeah, right after “professional dress and grooming,” “employees must remain drunk during business hours.”

In which S has a nightmare.

S sometimes sits bolt upright in bed and starts talking. Normally I ignore it and keep doing what I’m doing. Remember that I am not ready to handle dating at this point, still. And also I don’t have a boyfriend.

S: M, why did J leave me?
M: …What? I don’t know, I wasn’t in your relationship.
S: But you should know. You have a boyfriend.
M: S, I have been on one date with this dude. What are you talking about?
S: No! Your other boyfriend!
M: …Oh, yeah, him…Um, he said it was because you weren’t very good at math.
S: I knew it. Thanks. Goodnight.
M: …Goodnight?...

In which S is needy.

Tuesday night I told S I was going over to T’s before our class and probably wouldn’t be home till after nine. She seemed fine with it, until I came home for lunch on Wednesday.
She was wrapped in a blanket on the floor, watching Friends on my laptop (that’s another story).

S: M, I really think you need to stay home today.
M: What? Why?
S: I feel really sick. My stomach hurts. I think you should stay here until you are sure I don’t have to go to the hospital.
M: Um, no, I really can’t, I told T I’d help him on this paper.
S: No, M, you can’t see him. I told you that you weren’t ready to see him.
M: Oh, that’s right. Hey, can I have my laptop back now?

Later, while I was at T’s house, she called in a panic about a report due on Friday about our apartment.

S: I think you need to come home and sign your part of this.
M: It’s not due until Friday.
S: No, I know, but I really think we need to get this done today.
M: Well, if you really think so, pull out the folder where I keep my papers and forge my signature from one of those.
S: But that would be a sin.
M: S, it is not a sin if I tell you to do it.
S: Oh, really? I didn’t know it worked like that.
M: …Yeah. Yeah it does.

In which I am a security guard.

S: Aren’t you a receptionist?
M: Nope.
S: Yes you are! I know you are! Don’t lie to me!
M: I am a security guard.
S: Well that is the same thing. Don’t lie to me, please.
M: Except that I don’t answer phones. I watch surveillance cameras.
S: Well…So do I!
M: You have an interview. You don’t have a job. And no you wouldn’t, since when does reception at a small marketing firm require watching security cameras?
S: Since forever. You would know if you had ever worked before.
M: S, I have worked at no less than three different jobs since I was fourteen. One of which was a job as a receptionist.

In which I am apparently 11 years old again.

About three days after my first date with T, S came home and informed me she had, um, broken up with a dude, J, that she was…never actually dating. T and I had decided to hang out together before our class on Wednesday night.

S: So, I’m declaring this week a no boy week.
M: …What? Why would you do that?
S: I’m older and wiser than you. I really think this is for your benefit.
M: Um, you are only about ten days older than me.
S: Yeah, well, I also told you not to date guys from our school. You can’t handle dating yet, M. This is for your good.
M: …Oh my gosh.

In which S has a job interview.

I was on the phone with my brother, N, who was calling to tell me he’d made it into his school’s challenge math program. N is thirteen. I have a friend named T. T does not know S very well. T only knows what I have told him about S.

M: Wow, N, that’s awesome! Good luck with that!
S: Tell him I got a job interview!
M: Okay N, I gotta get going, so good job, I’ll talk to you later, okay? (click)
S: Why didn’t you tell him??
M: Dude, who did you think I was talking to?
S: Umm…T?
M: How about you call T and tell him. I am sure he’d like to know.

In which she thinks she looks slutty.

S: (wearing long sleeved button down shirt and a skirt that hits her at mid-calf) M, does this make me look slutty?
M: …
S: I think this makes me look slutty.
M: …
S: M???
M: Yeah, it’s a little slutty I guess…
S: Oh my goodness, I thought so, I need to change.
M: …

In which I introduce you.

I am a freshman at a small business college in Salt Lake City. I live in the dorms with my delightful roommate, S. The dorms are actually studio apartments the size of any regular hotel room.

My roommate is completely psycho. This did not manifest itself until about a week after we met. Rather than get irritated, I find ways to amuse myself with it later. I hope I'm not the only one who finds these instances and conversations completely bizarre. Don't get me wrong, she's nice enough and we get along pretty well, I'm just appalled sometimes by the gems that fall out of her mouth.

FYI: These first entries were collected over the last week or so. I posted them all on one day because I am not so much into back-dating and being super organized. Deal. I did.

M